(note: this piece was originally published in May 2020)
Hello everyone. I trust you’re having a solid day.
It’s not often we at Hooked On Wrestling require to address you all like this, but this is a matter of urgency.
Whatever you do today, do NOT say today’s date out loud.
Of course, you know which month we are in, and which day of that month today is. Just don’t actually use those words, okay?
It may sound like a daft request, but it is in fact one that could have serious consequences for some of us if not respected. Consequences worse than saying “Candyman” five times, “Beetlejuice” three times or “it is what it is” even once.
As wrestling fans we have noticed that very bad things have historically taken place when this very date has been said out loud, with the worst recorded cases happening in the year 2006.
Nobody came into any actual physical harm, to be clear. However a large number of grappling diehards were subjected to tragically dire wrestling writing.
So be warned: if you do utter today’s date out loud, or even write it down somewhere, it may summon a monster.
A monster so ghastly, it may book its own champion to look like a scrub for having the audacity to be small.
A beast so repugnant, it may lead to a match that made the ‘in-ring debut of God himself’ on the very same PPV look sane by comparison.
Other known side effects are being stalked by a cosplaying Luke Gallows, having a mediocre B-movie shoved down your throat for weeks on end and a giant bald man chaining you up so he can electrocute your genitals with jump cables.
The latter, we’re assuming, was a metaphor for the typical WWE Creative brainstorming session in the 2000s.